Good in Theory, Terrifying in Reality

January 20, 2014.

That's the day. The day the doctors have scheduled Caleb's transplant. It's twelve days away. Twelve. Although we thought and prayed long and hard about this decision and have been at peace with the decision, it is absolutely terrifying now that we are faced with a date, now that it is actually happening.

What if I only have twelve days left with my beautiful boy?

No, I can't think like that. Those thoughts cannot enter my mind.

But they do, and it's terrifying.

Caleb plays in his swing. I sit on the floor a few feet away, watching...and crying. Terrified of the consequences of this decision. In twelve days, good or bad, our lives will change. I want, no, need, to be at peace with this decision. My heart and mind have to be calm for my husband and my child.

But it's not.

I do the only thing I can think to do. Reach for God. My Bible is upstairs. It's too far away. I grab the next best thing I can find, a devotional. It was a Christmas gift from John's aunt, and it is the only thing within reach that I think will bring comfort.

I open it, and this is what I read.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Wow. That's all I can say.

I turn the page.

We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:20-22

 Next page.

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

And the next page.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by.

Psalm 57:1

O taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.

Psalm 34:8

Last one.

But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord, because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.

Jeremiah 30:17

God knows what we need, when we need it. We will persevere. We will get through this and will praise His great name before, during and after.